Damn the boy

Damn the boy

With his dark stares through

Lashes thick

Enough to incite envy

Damn the boy with his

Eyes like the midnight sun

So sweet

And dark

Intense

Damn the boy

With his

Fingers and lips

Hands placed just so

Pulling me in, on my hair

My skin

Damn the boy

His face near mine

His breath

So warm and inviting

Claiming me

Teasing me

Damn the boy

Irresistible

Sometimes, When No One is Looking…

Today’s Mood Music [Orgy | Stitches]

Sometimes, when no one is looking

I am beautiful

Caught unaware

I catch a glimpse and am surprised

That face is not my own

Who have I borrowed it from,

I wonder

What beautiful girl is missing

Her smile

Is she frowning, trying to imagine

How to get it back?

Sometimes

When no one is looking,

I am graceful

I glide about proud and regal

The world is mine

To capture

To hold to the light

And the let fly

Sometimes,

When no one is looking

I am myself

Luv Ya, Hun

Today’s Mood Music [Portishead | Roads]

3-2-3, he says. I know precisely what it means, and instantly it brightens my day. He doesn’t even have to truly say anything at all to make me happy.

We have an interesting relationship. My boyfriend, my love, my Phuz, lives in Salina, KS. I live in Chico, CA. We met when we worked together at the Taco Bell in Paradise, CA. That was nearly four years ago. We dated for a while, and eventually he moved to Salina.

We lost contact, and then I found him again on Myspace last November. We started talking again and shortly thereafter began talking on the phone. The first time we talked on the phone again after over three years, it was like nothing at all had changed. It was like we had last spoken only a day or two before. That day we spent 11 straight hours talking on the phone. Good thing for free nights and weekends, right?

It’s been about 9 months, and we talk nearly every day. I only just saw him for the first time again a few weeks ago. He came to visit to go to the California World Music Festival with his family, and took a few extra days to spend with me. Again, everything was beautiful.

Obviously we have an interesting setup, and that’s not even getting into the stuff that makes it all really interesting. I have my plans, but I’m afraid that if I say them aloud or write them down I’ll doom myself before I even begin.

3-2-3, and instantly everything is going to be alright. And then today, he said, “I know we agreed not to say the dreaded four letter word, but you know I do.” And I do know. And just the knowing makes me so incredibly happy.

Mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm.

Paranoia Agent

Today’s mood music [Massive Attack | Polaroid Girl]

It begins.

Stealthily at first. It rises around me like smoke. Faint but thickening all the time. First I hesitate to answer the phone. I tell myself not to be silly, and pick up anyway. I can pass through the smoke at this point.

Then a knock at the door leaves me nearly stricken. I am wading in muddy water, the cold gritty wetness of it sucking at my feet as I walk. I force myself onward, my hands shaking as I grasp the knob. I open it — just a sliver — to see who comes knocking. Only a delivery man, of course.

Now I am in quicksand. The idea of leaving the house leaves me breathless, gasping for air in an overcrowded room. I feel stifled, buried. My hands shake and I can feel the panic rising. I fight to bury it. I don’t want my son to see this. So I stay inside. I don’t call in to work. I hide in my house, safe from the outside world, safe from stares and unclean hands, from harsh words out of dirty mouths, safe from ignorance and stupidity and hate.

The other night there was thunder and lightning. Normally a glorious occurence, The heavens at war. This time I awoke with the terrified certainty that bombs were raining down upon us. Finally, someone got angry enough to annihilate us. I lay in my bed praying with every fiber of my being to be spared, Tears running down my cheeks as I feared for my life. Scared does not begin to explain the sheer terror I felt. I was certain that my skin was going to melt off and I would die in unimaginably excruciating pain. Thunder and lightning. It was only thunder and lightning. It’s not safe here anymore.

It will get worse. This is only the beginning.

I’ve Got A Bad Feeling About This….

Today’s mood music [Taking Back Sunday | A Decade Under The Influence]

It’s amazing what people will do when they perceive a threat to themselves or others. Ironically, it seems that people are far more likely to lash out at a perceived threat that is not actually exhibiting any threatening behaviour above and beyond its mere existence.

Take for example the case of a man I acquainted myself with about a month ago via an ad on Craigslist. I was bored and thought to find some new and exciting people, and seeing as I am not necessarily everyone’s cup of tea, rather than face blatant rejection, I simply posted my own ad, figuring that anyone who was interested in me would do the difficult bit themselves. Lazy, I know. But I’m female. That in itself gives me the upper hand. And when given an advantage, why shouldn’t I exploit it?

Well, this guy, I shall call him the Mountaineer, started emailing me. We chatted for a few days, and then, as is wont to happen, I got excessively busy and wasn’t able to talk to him for a few days. Now, l had never given him any reason to dislike me. Quite the opposite. I had gathered that he was not necessarily what I was looking for, but he seemed like a decent enough prospect for friendship, so I continued chatting with him.

But apparently this Mountaineer was not secure enough in himself to handle the idea that perhaps others actually have lives and responsibilities, so when I finally was able to check my email, I was presented with one of the nastiest, and frankly, most juvenile emails I’ve ever received. Not wanting to subject myself to that kind of volatility, I deleted the email without reading most of it and ceased contact with the Mountaineer.

Beyond that email and one other, I haven’t heard from the Mountaineer in about a month. Randomly, when I woke up this morning I found this message on my desktop [I have a nasty habit of leaving my IM services up when I'm asleep]:

[the Mountaineer] (8/3/2008 5:03:46 AM): hello
[the Mountaineer] (8/3/2008 5:04:57 AM): i think you are that fat whore who abandoned her kid, right?
[the Mountaineer] (8/3/2008 5:05:09 AM): oh, yeah. that’s right. fudge me lucky. bye.

[Names are masked to protect the idiotic]

Now, I’d love to have it explained to me why this man, and I use the term as loosely as possible, felt the need to message me out of nowhere with the sole intent of insulting me. Not to mention he decided to do this at the crack of dawn. Because normal people are so totally up that early.

Had the Mountaineer not acted out of a glaring lack of self confidence, I likely would have sent him an email in the beginning letting him know that my life had gotten rather hectic and I was sorry for not getting back to him sooner. However, people with such low self image are simply not my cup of tea. I despise needy behaviour and there is absolutely no way in hell I’m going to respond with kind words to the kind of messages I have received from him, so I felt it better to not respond at all. But seriously, get a life, buddy.